Sunday, March 1, 2015

I Will Never Be a Pinterest Mom: A guest post by Harmony Hobbs

Find the brilliant Harmony Hobbs over on Modern Mommy Madness!

I will Never be a Pinterest Mom
by Harmony Hobbs of Modern Mommy Madness

Recently my first-grader came home laden with Pinterest-worthy treats given to him by classmates at a school party, proving once again that I am "that" mom. You know. The lazy one.

I immediately did that title justice by spending the next 2 hours on autopilot and serving frozen pizza for dinner.

The thing is, I'm not really lazy. My house is orderly. I keep up with the basic hygiene of three children plus myself on a daily basis. I vacuum. Would a truly lazy mom do that? Hell no.

I don't think people give moms enough credit for simply covering the basic essentials. It's hard to keep food in the house, the laundry under control, and force the creaky machine of a family of five to keep running. Anything beyond that is what we folks down in Louisiana calllangiappe. It's pronounced "lan-yap" and it means "extra." Otherwise known as, "not going to happen."

I resent the fact that, on top of all the basic stuff I'm already responsible for, I'm supposed to drum up some super-fancy goody bags for 25 children when random holidays, birthday parties, or whatever other celebratory events roll around. I straight up refuse to stress over anything extra at this particular point in my life, when I am ass-deep in sippy cups.

Here are some other things I refuse to do:

1. Fold sheets. I distinctly remember my dad teaching me a young age how to pick up a sheet and roll it really fast into a wad, kind of like your arms are the cardboard and the sheets are the toilet paper. That is what I do to this day, as a 35-year-old woman. Then they get crammed into a drawer.

Don't you dare judge me. You know you're going to try it as soon as you're finished reading this post.

2. Fold my children's clothes. They either get crammed into their designated drawer, or hung up in the closet. What's the point of folding footie pajamas when they're just going to get unfolded later, when the toddlers inevitably drag all of their clothes into a giant pile in the middle of the floor and jump in them? In order to save myself (and them) from the wrath that manifests when carefully-folded clothes are unfolded by children, I simply refuse to fold them.

3. Fold my husband's clothes. See #2. My husband might not throw all of his undershirts into a pile and then play in them, but he might as well. Every time he goes searching for anything, he leaves the scene looking almost exactly like my children do. LIKE A TORNADO WAS APPROACHING SO HE/THEY HAD TO SMEAR TOOTHPASTE ALL OVER THE COUNTERS AND THROW WET TOWELS ON THE FLOOR IN CASE THIS WAS THEIR LAST CHANCE TO DO SO.

4. Organize anything that is hidden in a drawer or cabinet. I'm already maxed out by the task of keeping the visible portion of my home clean. See above for details.

5. Stress out over what is actually in a McDonald's chicken nugget. I did that already with child #1 and #2. By the time that third one came along, I didn't have enough cares in my care bag to care about that.  It's food and I didn't have to make it. Sold.

6. Skimp on showering, coffee, or wine. I require a few basic things to keep me sane and I will under no circumstance give them up. Come hell or high water, I'm having my two cups of coffee before I do anything else, including holding a coherent conversation with any member of my household.

I'm sure I'm leaving a few things out, but you get the picture. Now if you'll excuse me, it is time for me to pour my wine into the plastic Spider-man cup that I drink out of (in lieu of a fancy glass), and space out in front of a Netflix Original Series.

Harmony is a full-time mother of three who navigates the waters of motherhood without any grace or finesse whatsoever. She self-medicates via strong coffee, red wine, and writing all the things that she can't say out loud. You can find her on her blog, Modern Mommy Madness, and also on Facebook and Twitter.


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