Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Chore Dodging 101

Kids hate chores.

Let's face it, it's a very rare breed of children that jump for joy when parents ask them to do something around the house. In fact, it is such a rare breed that I personally have never encountered one. I would even go as far to say that I would encounter good 'ole  Nessie or Big Foot before I would encounter a child that cherished housework.

My kids have pretty much perfected the art of chore circumvention. If there is a way to skip out, they have tried it. In fact, I think I have seen so many evasive tactics that I could write a chore-war manual.

Thankfully, almost all of their diversions fall into one of these categories (of which I am immune):

The Recovering Amnesiac: This child sees your chore and raises you a five-inch thick homework packet.

Mom: Could you please help me do these dishes?

Recovering Amnesiac: Oh, I JUST remembered, I have a paper due TOMORROW mom! And I haven't even STARTED it. I think it's going to take me ALL night.

The Whiner: Better grab your earplugs before asking this child to do ANYTHING. Two words in and they are already crying.

Dad: You have to fold this laundry up today. Its your chore.

Whiner: All of it?? That's too much! I CAN'T do ALL of it! 

The Pooper: This child has more regular bowel movements than a geriatric on a strict diet of prunes and bran. One word of anything "work" related and this child hits the toilet. For a good half hour. Or until you beat down the door.

Mom: Hey, can I get you to help me...

Pooper: Hold up, mom. I gotta go to the bathroom first. I've been holding it all day...

The Illusionist: This child gives you false hope. They willingly accept the mission and head off in good spirits, but half an hour later you realize they are upstairs reading a book or playing.

Dad: Today is the day you are going to clean your room.

Illusionist: Alright, dad! Let me grab a garbage bag and get to work! (Secretly grabs book off counter)

The Fit-Thrower: If you thought the whiner was bad, this child puts her to shame. If Hollywood had a hidden camera in your kitchen, you would find yourself the center of the next Honey Boo-Boo show with the dramatics this child pulls off.

Mom: Please unload the dishwasher.

Fit-Thrower: Whaaaaat? Now I can't even play outside? I just want to go play outside. (Throws self on kitchen floor) Why do you ALWAYS make me do all. this. work?! My life is oooooover! Nobody even understands me. 

The Flatterer: This child takes the dramatics to the OTHER extreme. They have mastered the art of the compliment. In other words, they know how to butter you up good.

Mom: I need you to pick up the bathroom.

Flatterer: Okay mom. You sure look pretty today. Did you do something different with your hair?

Mom: Well, actually I DID pull out the curling iron today...

Flatterer: It looks good! You should do that EVERY day mom! Do you think you could come in the bathroom and teach ME how to do that to MY hair?

Mom: (excited to be INVITED to spend time with her tween) Sure! 

The Side-Tracker: This child has good intentions. They WANT to please you, but Oooh! Squirrel!

Dad: Go take care of your stuff on the table.

Side-Tracker: (grabs stuff) Okay dad! (sees cupboard) Hmmm. I am kind of hungry. I didn't eat much lunch today... (puts stuff down on counter and makes snack)

My kids have tried it all. And I can't say that I really blame them.

If I had a choice, I would probably try to weasel my way out too.

Title photo courtesy of antpkr via freedigitalphotos.net

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