Sunday, October 5, 2014

It's Not YOUR Kid, It's Mine! A guest post by Thriller Mom

The amazing Thriller Mom strikes again!

It’s Not YOUR Kid, It’s Mine!
by Tandra of Thriller Mom


There... I admitted it. *Taps mic* IS THIS THING ON?! 

And I'll come up with almost ANY excuse to avoid them. Trust me, my reasoning goes far beyond inconvenience.

Let me explain...

I don't like play dates because I know it's gonna happen. That awful, embarrassing thing my cub will say at MY expense. And it WILL be said! Something like "My mommy's gas is sooo stinky." Or, "My daddy smacks mommy's butt like this!" Or she'll tell me my breath stinks loud enough to drown out police sirens. Please don't laugh and say "from the mouths of babes." It's more like "from the mouths of little gremlins who don't think before they speak nor do they give a shit." 

Now that sounds more like the truth right?!

Then there's the inevitable fight over toys or snacks that will ensue. And it WILL ensue! Unless your kid can stand his/her ground, mine will eat 'em alive. Not with cruelty or bullying. We don't tolerate that. But both of my cubs have a take-charge kind of attitude. They know what they want and don't want. This is true in ALL situations. They even try that mess at home! 

Oh, and if your kid has a cold, don't even bother with a play date. My oldest is a germaphobe and won't tolerate snotty, cough-laden, funk-filled hands on her toys nor food! Consider yourself warned. Only the strong survive.

Next up is disciplining. I'm not one to wear the calm and collected facade when I really want to lose my cool. And I WILL lose it! If I have laid down the law and set rules for my cubs, I don't like repeating myself. I mean what I say. If my rules are broken, consequences are enforced. I'm not changing that because more sensitive or lenient parents are around. Before you get all worried, relax. Eye contact is usually enough to correct my cub's (mis)behavior. Usually.

Speaking of behavior, have you ever had the dreaded "play date is over" meltdown happen to you? Talk about a "kill me now" moment! It doesn't happen EVERY time, but when it does it's hell! That's enough to stand alone in causing me to avoid play dates. Now let's move on.

Image via

Holding conversations with other moms/parents can be deathly taxing. I REALLY don't mean to sound like a jerk! I'm not antisocial. I enjoy adult company and grownup topics, BUT, I'm just not a cupcaking, scrapbooking type of mom. Maybe one day I will be (not likely) but I just haven't gotten there yet. I love to cook and talk about my cubs but not the ENTIRE play date. Have you ever met a parent that just doesn't have anything else to converse about? C'mon! Humor me with something more action oriented. Make me envy your life or relate to some type of drama!

Understand... I'm a SAHM who talks to herself -and answers- a bit more often than she should! I don't have much adult interaction so when I get it, I try to make that sucker count! I don't mind hearing about your fabulous vacation if you're living that lifestyle; As long as you don't mind hearing about my recent vacay to Walmart, for an hour, ALONE. Yes, that was a getaway for me! Hell, the last time the Mr and I went on a "date," it was to the gas station a few minutes away from our home!

No need to pity us. We burned tire marks into the road that day! We were like two teens with permission to drive the car after just getting their licenses. That was the longest gas pump in history! We had music blasting, ALL FOUR windows down, and smiles larger than Chester Cheetah's.

Can you sense that I need excitement? I need to hear a bit of drama to make my life seem normal. If I have to live vicariously through your lifestyle, I don't mind. I may hate envy you by the end of the convo, but that's in a good way. Really. It is.

Now that I've typed this, I guess play dates aren't sooo bad; As long as kiddy rules are obeyed and the parents are down-to-Earth OR living a fabulous life. But what are the odds of that happening?! I have issues and I know that. But in my defense, I have cubs who are like Tasmanian devils in dresses! And the uncertainty of what they'll do frightens me. It's not your kid, it's mine who causes my play date avoidance. So please don't take it personally.

If you can accommodate all of my insanity, we can definitely meet up for some cub fun! However, if you fall in line with any of the aforementioned things I try to avoid, your play date request will be denied. And make no mistake, I'll be able to discern which category you fall into the moment one of our offspring has an "I gotta go pee" emergency. 

We all know how frequently that happens.

Tandra plays the daily role of servant mom to 2 girls she calls "cubs". At any time you may find her cursing dirty diapers, injecting coffee, praying for peace, infinitely threatening to throw away toys, inhaling wine, searching for her sanity, and writing on her blog, Thriller Mom, to release the beast. You can also read her mommy rants on her Facebook page, enjoy her pins on Pinterest, and follow her on Twitter.

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  1. I couldn't agree more about playdates! Wanna go OVER to your friends house to play, that's fine- as long as you're big enough to handle going without my accompaniment!

  2. Oh my gosh, I LOVE Tandra and Thriller Mom! That article was SO BAD ASS. I couldn't stop laughing at the gas station escape and her vacation to Wal-Mart. LOLLLLL. SOOOOO great!

  3. I'm in love! Spot on. This also applies to friend dates now. I love hanging out with single friends and listening to their dating or work stories. It's living vicariously at it's best. All of the details and none of the drama!

  4. I like playdates but I always felt compelled to scrub down the house before the kids (and the mom) came over. Then had to clean all over again once they left.

  5. I love play dates. My house, their house. There's pros and cons to both. Since I have so many kids, staying at my house is ideal ... until the mom won't take a hint and leave when I put my baby down for a nap. "Look, lady, just because you don't get any peace in the afternoon doesn't mean you need to steal mine. My kids have quiet time between the hours of 1p and 3p. So take your little germy maggot(s) and GTFO." That's how I roll. :)